So far today I have:
-laughed
-cried
-pondered the meaning of life
-given a hug
-said I love you
-cleaned the kitchen
-checked e-mail
-paid some bills
-prayed
-eaten a plate full of vegetables
-eaten a piece of chocolate cake (fear of major poop fest caused by vegetables)
-talked to my mom
-pondered the meaning of life
-talked to my mother-in-law
-considered making hamburger buns for dinner
-re-considered the homemade hamburger buns
-decided on taco's for dinner
-cleared the bathroom counter
-checked my blogs (my ticket to the outside world)
-wished it wasn't so windy so I could go for a walk
-already regretting the amount of vegetables consumed
-thinking about more cake
-skimmed through two church talks
-pondered the meaning of life
...and probably a bunch more random stuff. It's just a normal day, here. Todd has been able to be home for dinner every night this week. That's been nice. I seriously can't remember the last time that happened, or if it ever has.
I am so grateful to be able to stay at home and be a mother. It is the hardest thing I've ever done, because of the emotional toll it takes. A person could seriously go crazy sitting within the same four walls all day every day, and since I live where I do....there's not really anywhere to go. I love to get out, to see things, and to be with people, and yet I've had the thought so many times lately that I'm where I need to be. I am glad for that spiritual confirmation, and the blessings that come with it.
All of a sudden, this winter, life got a lot easier for me (in some ways). My baby "grew up". He's potty-trained, he plays by himself, and he doesn't just make random messes for no reason. My other two boys got amazingly responsible when we got a Nintendo gamecube and they had to have their chores done in order to play. This morning I got them up at 7:20, and by 8:00 they'd gotten dressed, eaten, taken their dishes to the sink, brushed teeth and hair, packed backpacks, fed the dog, brought in a couple loads of wood, made their beds, and said their prayers. We would've had scripture study except Dad was in the shower. After school is typically the same story, they now have their homework done within the first 30 minutes of being home. I think it's time to add more chores. On Sundays I get to sit in church and hold Todd's hand while my boys read their BOM readers. There's no more in and out during sacrament meeting. No need to sit on the end of the aisle in Relief Society. No more diaper bag. No more toys or cheerios.
I'm not used to NOT being needed as much. I've had more time to cook homemade meals. More time to craft. I've put mascara on every day for the past month. That hasn't happened since before I had kids.
I waited so long for this day (amidst all the poopy diapers and sleepless nights) and now I feel lost. Like I'm just floating. Like...what is the purpose of life? What should I be doing? As I said earlier, the spirit has confirmed that I'm where I need to be. Even though the money would be nice and very helpful right now (gosh I can't wait to finish my basement and have a second bathroom and a third bedroom), I want to do what Heavenly Father needs me to do, because I know that is the only way to find true happiness.
Please don't get me wrong. I fully believe that there are women who have to work, and women who ARE following Heavenly Father's plan for THEM by working outside the home. I also believe that there are far too many in this world who THINK they have to, but it is a decision to be made between a couple and the Lord and there is not room for any of us to judge. I only know that for ME, being a SAHM is undoubtedly the answer for now.
Part of me longs for the baby that I feel is still waiting to come to our family, while part of me is SO grateful to be past all that work! I would not have time to decorate, blog, or bake every day with a baby around. I always thought I would have all my kids together and do it once. I am overwhelmed at the idea of "starting over" again.
There are so many GOOD ways to use my time now. Things that I couldn't do when I had a herd of little kids at home. I need to excercise. I need to read more. I need to do a better job of cleaning and organizing since I CAN. I need to drum up more quilting business. I need to read my scriptures for longer and more often. I need to try to help my neighbors more.
And yet...I'm not used to it. It seems like everything changed overnight without warning. And so I float along...and ponder. I'm sure life will soon pick up speed and I'll wish for this calm time. It won't be long before I move into that "Mom's taxi" phase.
And that's enough thinking for today. Todd told me to stop thinking and DO. I guess I'll go try.
-laughed
-cried
-pondered the meaning of life
-given a hug
-said I love you
-cleaned the kitchen
-checked e-mail
-paid some bills
-prayed
-eaten a plate full of vegetables
-eaten a piece of chocolate cake (fear of major poop fest caused by vegetables)
-talked to my mom
-pondered the meaning of life
-talked to my mother-in-law
-considered making hamburger buns for dinner
-re-considered the homemade hamburger buns
-decided on taco's for dinner
-cleared the bathroom counter
-checked my blogs (my ticket to the outside world)
-wished it wasn't so windy so I could go for a walk
-already regretting the amount of vegetables consumed
-thinking about more cake
-skimmed through two church talks
-pondered the meaning of life
...and probably a bunch more random stuff. It's just a normal day, here. Todd has been able to be home for dinner every night this week. That's been nice. I seriously can't remember the last time that happened, or if it ever has.
I am so grateful to be able to stay at home and be a mother. It is the hardest thing I've ever done, because of the emotional toll it takes. A person could seriously go crazy sitting within the same four walls all day every day, and since I live where I do....there's not really anywhere to go. I love to get out, to see things, and to be with people, and yet I've had the thought so many times lately that I'm where I need to be. I am glad for that spiritual confirmation, and the blessings that come with it.
All of a sudden, this winter, life got a lot easier for me (in some ways). My baby "grew up". He's potty-trained, he plays by himself, and he doesn't just make random messes for no reason. My other two boys got amazingly responsible when we got a Nintendo gamecube and they had to have their chores done in order to play. This morning I got them up at 7:20, and by 8:00 they'd gotten dressed, eaten, taken their dishes to the sink, brushed teeth and hair, packed backpacks, fed the dog, brought in a couple loads of wood, made their beds, and said their prayers. We would've had scripture study except Dad was in the shower. After school is typically the same story, they now have their homework done within the first 30 minutes of being home. I think it's time to add more chores. On Sundays I get to sit in church and hold Todd's hand while my boys read their BOM readers. There's no more in and out during sacrament meeting. No need to sit on the end of the aisle in Relief Society. No more diaper bag. No more toys or cheerios.
I'm not used to NOT being needed as much. I've had more time to cook homemade meals. More time to craft. I've put mascara on every day for the past month. That hasn't happened since before I had kids.
I waited so long for this day (amidst all the poopy diapers and sleepless nights) and now I feel lost. Like I'm just floating. Like...what is the purpose of life? What should I be doing? As I said earlier, the spirit has confirmed that I'm where I need to be. Even though the money would be nice and very helpful right now (gosh I can't wait to finish my basement and have a second bathroom and a third bedroom), I want to do what Heavenly Father needs me to do, because I know that is the only way to find true happiness.
Please don't get me wrong. I fully believe that there are women who have to work, and women who ARE following Heavenly Father's plan for THEM by working outside the home. I also believe that there are far too many in this world who THINK they have to, but it is a decision to be made between a couple and the Lord and there is not room for any of us to judge. I only know that for ME, being a SAHM is undoubtedly the answer for now.
Part of me longs for the baby that I feel is still waiting to come to our family, while part of me is SO grateful to be past all that work! I would not have time to decorate, blog, or bake every day with a baby around. I always thought I would have all my kids together and do it once. I am overwhelmed at the idea of "starting over" again.
There are so many GOOD ways to use my time now. Things that I couldn't do when I had a herd of little kids at home. I need to excercise. I need to read more. I need to do a better job of cleaning and organizing since I CAN. I need to drum up more quilting business. I need to read my scriptures for longer and more often. I need to try to help my neighbors more.
And yet...I'm not used to it. It seems like everything changed overnight without warning. And so I float along...and ponder. I'm sure life will soon pick up speed and I'll wish for this calm time. It won't be long before I move into that "Mom's taxi" phase.
And that's enough thinking for today. Todd told me to stop thinking and DO. I guess I'll go try.
10 comments:
I've been kind of thinking along those same lines too. My girls are still young and they need a lot of my attention - but we have a routine and things are only going to get better from here, i don't know if I want to change that any time soon - I like your random thoughts...we all have them.
Bless your sweet, kind, wise heart for writing what I've been feeling. I relate to the "lost" feeling. I've found myself asking "what do I want to be when I grow up", frightened of being out of a job as my children need me less and less. Just know that you're not alone.
I LOVE not having a diaper bag anymore too! I guess the only reason I don't feel "lost" is because I'm homeschooling and I'm "needed" ALL the time. I'm so glad I'm busy with the kids...it's been great for us.
I love being a SAHM too. I wish I didn't have to work nights at all, but we don't make enough money to cover the basics if I don't. That has been our fault though. We're paying for it now.
Hope you keep getting those confirmations of you doing the right thing and keep "enduring it well" like you always do!
Kellee,
We wouldn't be able to cover the basics without me quilting, either. I'm just lucky enough to have a job that I can do at home. I need to be more grateful for that.
I found out the other day that my boys' school teachers make more than Todd. I thought public school teachers were at the bottom of the payscale (esp. in Utah) but apparently therapists at a private school make even less. sigh.
It's a good thing money doesn't buy happiness, huh?
So, did you figure out the meaning of life?? I totally know what you mean... I have had lots of times of feeling like I didn't quite know what my place or purpose is, now that I don't have little ones underfoot all the time. I've gone through plenty of little identity crises, and I'm sure I'm not done yet.
I love watching you and your little family! Even though I don't say much.
Just know that of the 14 years(WoW, that long? whew!) that I've been in Wayne County Every year at about this time I start in with the same uh..Ponderings. Then by the middle of May I've about driven myself crazy, and spring still hasn't come, and then all the sudden it's summer, and life get's better. Or else things just don't seem so dang unstable. (It's because of all the wind grrr) Hang in there Summers comming.
Felicia, I want you to know I LOVE your blog! How does it feel to have a blog stalker..that leaves comments too!
Thanks for sharing your random thoughts. I remember the days of sitting at home with little kiddos. I can't even imagine doing that again and yet I yearn for it.
I guess that's what is tough about Heavenly Father's plan for each of us.
I'm thankful that you shared your feelings today. It was just what I needed to hear. (read)
loved the post today. I didn't realize there was someone out there that ponders the meaning of life so many times in the day like I do.
I'm one of those that feels like "I have to work"...well, I wouldn't feel that way if my husband didn't TELL me I HAVE TO WORK. Some men just don't believe that the woman's job is in the home taking care of the children, and it's more frusterating than other people even realize. I think most who have husbands that let them just be home and be a SAHM take it for granted...not having to have the fight about it all the time. Someday...I hope to be a SAHM. In the meantime....I'll keep praying for a softened heart and that my little girl doesn't grow up faster than I have time to spend with her.
I understand so much of what you say. I try so much to get things done while I "can" because I know someday I'll look back and wish for these days again. (Kind of like when I look back at college and remember how I thought I was so busy, and yet look at all the "stuff" we did and television I watched! Crazy!)
I hope you find the answers you are looking for. I'm always thinking about you, and you are in my prayers.
dude...i totally went through that when mady went to kindergarten. i had been mady's mom for so long that i forgot what it was like to be marci! it took a while to figure that out again, wait...did i figure it out again?! are we really ever us again after losing ourselves as mom? that's not such a bad thing, eh?
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