Letting myself hope

I couldn't sleep last night, so I went downstairs to blog, and my Internet wasn't working (just add it to my song). I was surprised to realize how much "writing things out" really helps me. So I typed what I had to say in WordPerfect. Yes, I said WordPerfect. I think I'm the last person alive who still prefers it over Word. Anyway, I called my I.T. guy and got my internet working this morning, so I'll post my thoughts.

It’s 4:00 in the morning, and I can’t sleep. I had come to grips with the fact that this pregnancy was going to end, so when my doctor told me that IF my dates were wrong, there MAY be a chance that I still MIGHT be pregnant...I was left in a stupor.

I know my dates are right.

I know when my anniversary was...yada, yada, yada.

And I have never in my life been as late (ovulating) as I would need to be to make this work. If it does, it will be nothing short of a miracle.

I do wonder, why IF the sac had simply stopped growing at six weeks, I am still feeling morning sickness at nine weeks.

As I was praying last night, I remembered Pres. Uchtdorf’s talk on hope, and decided that I HAD to let myself hope. It is a commandment. And it is the ONLY thing I can do. He says it goes along with faith and charity on a "three legged stool" and let’s face it...I need a place to sit down right now.

And so now I am hoping beyond hope, that for some unknown reason this little spirit needed to come two weeks later than it’s "earthly timeslot". It is unlikely, for sure.
But I found a lady online who had the same problem, and her baby didn't show up on the ultrasound until she was 9 weeks along, and the fetus was a week and a half "behind schedule". Her HCG levels continued to rise, but even at 8 weeks there was still no baby on the screen. By her 20 week appt, her little girl had "caught up". So...it HAS happened before, though I know it's probably the "million to one chance".

If it’s not meant to be, then I suppose there is something I needed to learn through all of this. I definitely watched conference with a different perspective than I would have otherwise.

I'm supposed to call the clinic today and talk to the physician's assistant, who will hopefully be able to tell me if my HCG levels are where they should be at this stage in pregnancy. If they are, I assume they will send me in for another ultrasound.

If not, then I will miscarry.

It would be very much "like me" to be a complete basketcase right now, but I feel at peace...just full of questions. I'm so grateful for the peace, and I know it comes from all the prayers and support of my family and friends.

I feel like I'm living in a country song

My brother-in-law was in the hospital.

My other brother-in-law lost his job.

We got the "blue screen of death" on our laptop.

The bottom fell out of the economy.

BOTH of our DVD players are on the fritz.

And today I went to see my doctor for a follow-up visit after my ultrasound, and he had interesting results. Apparently, the sac was a 6 week size. It's possible that I still have a blighted ovum, but he also said there is a very slight chance that maybe if my dates were off, I might still be pregnant. So they did a blood test. And sent it off to Provo. And now I sit here in limbo.

My friend described the "not knowing" as "being pecked to death by ducks". I'm starting to agree with her.

Do you think if I play this "song" backwards it'll all get better?

7 (or more) of my quirks

1. It HAS to be Heinz. It started when I was pregnant with Brayden. I thought I was craving Wendy's french fries, but it turns out it was only the ketchup. Since then I cannot buy anything else. The worst is when I go to a restaurant and they bring out "Fancy" ketchup from SYSCO.....YUCK!

2. I do not like the colors purple, or teal...but for some reason there are two or three teal things in my closet. You'll be hard pressed to find anything purple in my house besides the grape juice concentrate in the freezer.

3. I cannot leave my house a mess upstairs, and go down to quilt. I also cannot start making dinner in a messy kitchen. I think this is completely normal, but my husband suggested it as my biggest quirk...and he cuts his toenails with scissors.

4. I only watch TV shows that make me laugh. I don't watch any of those lawyer shows, mysteries, CSI, or anything where you have to pay close attention in order to know what's going on. I like simple cheesy comedies like Yes Dear, Everybody Loves Raymond, The Office, Arrested Development, and old stuff like Home Improvement, The Cosby Show, Growing Pains, etc. I just noticed that all of them (except The Office) have a family involved...I guess that's what I like. And I usually have to be doing something else while I "watch" or I'll fall asleep.

5. I very rarely like science fiction or fantasy. I've never seen or read Harry Potter (I have set a goal to TRY it, though). I also haven't seen Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, or Superman/Spiderman/Batman, etc. I tried to get into Star Wars...it just isn't gonna happen. I think I liked the first Spiderman movie alright, but I haven't seen the rest of them. I DID manage to make it through the "vampire" books, but I didn't think they were all they were hyped up to be. I was entertained enough to read them, though, and fairly quickly at that.

6. I do not like cold cereal. I can force myself to eat Life cereal while I'm pregnant (you know for all the vitamins and stuff), but other than that, I prefer a Slim-Fast shake, or last night's leftovers for breakfast. I DO like oatmeal, Zoom, and Cream of Wheat.

7. I would rather have a second helping of dinner, than dessert, any day. Every now and then I'll get a craving for a Snickers bar, or a grasshopper shake, and I do LOVE homemade peanut butter bars, but most of the time I'd rather have vegetables. My weakness is stuff like gravy, cream sauces, stuff smothered in cheese, and meat. I also like liver, and I couldn't live without onions.

8. I am not a cookie mom. I think they're a pain to make, and not worth the effort. If my hubby and kids didn't eat them, they'd probably sit there and go dry because they are not tempting to me, and definitely not worth the calories. On the rare occasion that I make my mom's famous oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, I leave the chocolate chips out of half of the dough, and I just eat the oatmeal ones. The two exceptions to the cookie rule are my Grandma Salisbury's white drop cookies with her famous browned butter icing, and my sis-in-law Melece's famous sugar cookies (w/out frosting). I will eat these 'til they're gone. I also like my mom's homemade raisin filled cookies, but they only appear at her house once in a navy blue moon. I asked her for the recipe in college, and when I finished writing it all down...there was NO WAY I was going to that much work for a cookie.

9. I can wiggle my right ear, and most of my scalp without touching it. I also have a few synesthetic tendencies, but I'm not going to go into that. Some things are better left unsaid.

Our Brayden is turning 8 this week!

If anyone would like directions to the stake center, let me know.

Tender mercies

I received some "tender mercies" of the Lord this morning during conference. The first, being that we got to watch conference at all!

We cancelled our DishNetwork in the Spring because we were tired of the monthly payment. We didn't watch enough TV to justify it. We've spent over $100 buying two different digital antenna's and an amplifier to try to get digital channels on our TV. When it works, the picture is crystal clear...but we never know if we will have a signal or not. Todd spent two hours this morning (in the rain) fiddling with our antenna, and cables, trying to get KSL to come in on our TV. I found that I could stream it on the Internet without too much pausing, but I didn't want to sit in my computer chair to watch conference...I really wanted to curl up on the couch and watch it on TV.

Ten minutes before conference started, we were pulling in 9 analog channels, but no digital channels. The channel we needed was too fuzzy to hear. I called my mom to clarify what show was on to make sure I had the right channel, and when I got back downstairs, it came in PERFECTLY.
All of a sudden, five minutes before conference started, we had 18 digital channels (we've never gotten more than 11). It is a small thing, but it meant so much to me today. There is nothing else I wanted to do, but watch conference.

I started to cry, when the choir sang "Do What is Right" because that is a song that helped my mother through a difficult time following her miscarriage at 17 weeks. The third verse reads:

"Do what is right; be faithful and fearless. Onward, press onward, the goal is in sight. Eyes that are wet now ere long will be tearless. Blessings await you in doing what's right!"

I also particularly enjoyed L. Tom Perry's talk on a Simple Life, and President Uchtdorf's talk on Hope. Here are some of his words:

The things we hope in, sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty. Indeed there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable. It is in these times, that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in, can uphold us and carry us until once again, we walk in the light. We hope in Jesus Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered.

I well remember the days in my childhood encompassed by the horrors and despair of a world war; the lack of educational opportunities; life threatening health issues during youth; and the challenging and discouraging economic experiences
as a refugee.

The example of our Mother, even in the worst of times, to move forward and to put faith and hope into action, not just worrying or wishful thinking, sustained our family and me, and gave confidence that present circumstances would give way to future blessings.

Stuck

Thank you so much for all your prayers and support. Each miscarriage has been difficult, but I'm getting better at getting through them...practice makes perfect, I guess.

Our kids took it quite well, actually. They knew from the beginning that this was possible, and their sweet little spirits are SO strong. I'm so grateful for my three boys, and realize now more than ever, how lucky I am to have them!

Todd is frustrated. It's hard to keep doing this. He hates to see me cry. He gave me a beautiful blessing on Wednesday night and I am so grateful to have a husband who honors his priesthood. I asked him this morning if he would be there with me on the day "it happens", and he said, "Shwee, you know I will be there." That's all I need.

I feel stuck. I've never been in this postition before...knowing that a miscarriage is coming. I still feel pregnant. Two days ago I was grateful for any sickness that I felt, and now that I know it's all in vain, I'm tired of feeling blah. I feel like I can't really move on 'til it's over, but that could be three weeks away (I was 11 weeks with my first one). Until then, my belly will continue to grow, and I already can't fit into my jeans. Now I'm really trying to "hide" it from the people in town, because I don't want them guessing that I'm pregnant...now.

To top everything off my brother-in-law, Jon, was admitted to the hospital last night with blood clots in his lungs (my sister Charlotte's husband). He is an active, healthy 28 yr. old man who is almost finished with physical therapy school and we have no idea what has caused this. Please pray for him, and for my sister who is nearly 7 mos. pregnant. I read online that 1 out of 10 who have this problem die within one hour. He's been in pain since Monday, so we are very glad he's in the hospital and getting the care he needs.

I'm taking my mom half way home today, and my dad will meet us and take her the rest of the way. I'm so glad she was able to be here. We accomplished so much and she's been a wonderful help with the boys, and with helping me de-junk and organize. I'm afraid she'll just have to pass by her house and head straight to Idaho to be with my sister. Thanks mom, for all you do. I love you!

I knew there was a problem the minute I saw the screen...

My doctor sent me to have an ultrasound today because of my pregnancy history.

I knew there was a problem the minute I saw the screen.

I just stared in silence. I couldn't cry. I couldn't move. I just stared. Finally, I said, "There isn't a heartbeat, is there."
The ultrasonographer asked if I was sure of my dates, and when I told her I was, she said, "I don't see a heartbeat. I'm so sorry."

I still sat there in silence. There was a sac, and a placenta, but no baby. I had flashbacks of my first miscarriage, ten years ago, when we had the same problem. It's called a blighted ovum. This picture is not mine, it's one I found online.

I can't deny the sense of peace I have felt during the past month, and I am grateful for it. I don't understand why this happened, but I know that Heavenly Father does. And he will make it okay.

Sometime in the next few weeks I will miscarry, and if not, they'll do a D&C. The first option is less risky, although I don't look forward to it because last time it was just like labor. The contractions got closer and closer, my water broke, my legs got numb, I was writhing in bed, and shaking...the whole bit. It is the only time in my life that I truly thought that I might die...and I didn't care because at least the pain would be gone. My doctor thinks it won't be as bad this time since I've given birth. I hope so.

Thank you for all the support and prayers you all have given us. I know that is why I have felt such a sense of peace, and I know that it's going to be okay.

It's been only a few hours since I found out you were gone. This morning I had such plans for you and now you are gone and where you are I cannot go. You were the answer to our prayers. You should have seen the look in your father's eyes when I told him you were coming. We were so happy. We told everyone you were on your way.
Each morning when I woke, I would stroke my palm across the place where you were growing. Whenever I went somewhere, I knew you were with me. It made me complete. I could never get over the miracle that somehow God, and your father and I had created a human life. Now I've lost you. I'll never forget you. You have been part of me. But I miss you, and when I go out now, I'll feel alone. I won't see life in the same way. I'll walk softer now. Life is more fragile, more precious. I hope someday I will be able to have another baby, but it will never be the same as it was with you. The feelings I've had with you are separate and unique.

You will always hold a place in my heart.