Letting myself hope

I couldn't sleep last night, so I went downstairs to blog, and my Internet wasn't working (just add it to my song). I was surprised to realize how much "writing things out" really helps me. So I typed what I had to say in WordPerfect. Yes, I said WordPerfect. I think I'm the last person alive who still prefers it over Word. Anyway, I called my I.T. guy and got my internet working this morning, so I'll post my thoughts.

It’s 4:00 in the morning, and I can’t sleep. I had come to grips with the fact that this pregnancy was going to end, so when my doctor told me that IF my dates were wrong, there MAY be a chance that I still MIGHT be pregnant...I was left in a stupor.

I know my dates are right.

I know when my anniversary was...yada, yada, yada.

And I have never in my life been as late (ovulating) as I would need to be to make this work. If it does, it will be nothing short of a miracle.

I do wonder, why IF the sac had simply stopped growing at six weeks, I am still feeling morning sickness at nine weeks.

As I was praying last night, I remembered Pres. Uchtdorf’s talk on hope, and decided that I HAD to let myself hope. It is a commandment. And it is the ONLY thing I can do. He says it goes along with faith and charity on a "three legged stool" and let’s face it...I need a place to sit down right now.

And so now I am hoping beyond hope, that for some unknown reason this little spirit needed to come two weeks later than it’s "earthly timeslot". It is unlikely, for sure.
But I found a lady online who had the same problem, and her baby didn't show up on the ultrasound until she was 9 weeks along, and the fetus was a week and a half "behind schedule". Her HCG levels continued to rise, but even at 8 weeks there was still no baby on the screen. By her 20 week appt, her little girl had "caught up". So...it HAS happened before, though I know it's probably the "million to one chance".

If it’s not meant to be, then I suppose there is something I needed to learn through all of this. I definitely watched conference with a different perspective than I would have otherwise.

I'm supposed to call the clinic today and talk to the physician's assistant, who will hopefully be able to tell me if my HCG levels are where they should be at this stage in pregnancy. If they are, I assume they will send me in for another ultrasound.

If not, then I will miscarry.

It would be very much "like me" to be a complete basketcase right now, but I feel at peace...just full of questions. I'm so grateful for the peace, and I know it comes from all the prayers and support of my family and friends.