I'm not sure why it has taken so long. After 2 1/2 months of hanging in my closet, it took a total of six minutes to take them off the hangers, fold them, and put them in the rubbermaid container under my bed.
There's not really any reason. I just haven't gotten around to it. They were only in my closet for two days before I found out that my pregnancy might not go well.
For some reason, the sting of miscarriage is bothering me today. The first thing I thought of when I woke up, is that we would have had an ultrasound sometime this week (I remember that it was going to be right after Christmas).
Maybe it's because my "baby" (Dillon) is wearing underwear today. Or because he is going to be a Sunbeam in primary now. Yesterday when I asked him to do something, he replied, "Mom, who cares?" (it starts young when you have older brothers...)
I've really been doing quite well. I haven't had any of the symptoms of the hormone imbalance that had plagued me since my miscarriage in '07. It's like my body was thrown "back into whack" and I've felt so much better. I can think better. I've had several people say, "We have our Felicia back" and I feel it. For that I am so grateful.
Perhaps that's why it needed to happen. But regardless of the reason, today is hard. Maybe it's because I have only opened two of the doctor/hospital bills that I need to pay. They were due last week and I just can't bring myself to deal with them. The rest are probably past due, too, so I guess I ought to open them. I will, don't worry. I just haven't...yet.
Todd has had a pretty rough few months at work. It would have been so much harder on both of us if I had been pregnant through it all. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us. I know that He can see the bigger picture and knows what's best. I also know that the atonement is for sorrow, as well as sin. I have learned for myself the importance, and the significance of the power of hope, and the blessings of friendship.
Always, I will remember...
...The surprise of finding out I was pregnant,
because I am usually sick before it's even time to test.
...The excitement that always comes with a positive pregnancy test.
...Wondering how we were going to pay for a baby,
and wondering where to put you in our two bedroom house.
and wondering where to put you in our two bedroom house.
...Telling your dad that we were going to have a baby,
and watching his realization that we HAD to finish another room in the basement.
...The good feeling I had, like this time was going to be different.
...The fun of being pregnant at the same time as my sister.
...Grandma spending two weeks with us,
helping me organize the basement so we could finish another room.
...Seeing the ultrasound screen and knowing
immediately that something was wrong.
...The frustration in waiting two weeks to find out if you were still growing.
...The anxiety and paranoia of not knowing.
...The friends who prayed, and listened, and cared.
...Wondering why I felt so strongly you were meant to be,
and why you were taken so soon.
and why you were taken so soon.
...2008 as the year that my friends got me through.
...The peace that only comes from knowing that
Heavenly Father has a plan, and that He knows what's best.
...The peace that only comes from knowing that
Heavenly Father has a plan, and that He knows what's best.
...those ten short weeks
last fall.
last fall.
