Random thoughts...

I put away my maternity clothes today.

I'm not sure why it has taken so long. After 2 1/2 months of hanging in my closet, it took a total of six minutes to take them off the hangers, fold them, and put them in the rubbermaid container under my bed.

There's not really any reason. I just haven't gotten around to it. They were only in my closet for two days before I found out that my pregnancy might not go well.

For some reason, the sting of miscarriage is bothering me today. The first thing I thought of when I woke up, is that we would have had an ultrasound sometime this week (I remember that it was going to be right after Christmas).

Maybe it's because my "baby" (Dillon) is wearing underwear today. Or because he is going to be a Sunbeam in primary now. Yesterday when I asked him to do something, he replied, "Mom, who cares?" (it starts young when you have older brothers...)

I've really been doing quite well. I haven't had any of the symptoms of the hormone imbalance that had plagued me since my miscarriage in '07. It's like my body was thrown "back into whack" and I've felt so much better. I can think better. I've had several people say, "We have our Felicia back" and I feel it. For that I am so grateful.

Perhaps that's why it needed to happen. But regardless of the reason, today is hard. Maybe it's because I have only opened two of the doctor/hospital bills that I need to pay. They were due last week and I just can't bring myself to deal with them. The rest are probably past due, too, so I guess I ought to open them. I will, don't worry. I just haven't...yet.

Todd has had a pretty rough few months at work. It would have been so much harder on both of us if I had been pregnant through it all. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us. I know that He can see the bigger picture and knows what's best. I also know that the atonement is for sorrow, as well as sin. I have learned for myself the importance, and the significance of the power of hope, and the blessings of friendship.

Always, I will remember...

...The surprise of finding out I was pregnant,

because I am usually sick before it's even time to test.

...The excitement that always comes with a positive pregnancy test.

...Wondering how we were going to pay for a baby,
and wondering where to put you in our two bedroom house.

...Telling your dad that we were going to have a baby,

and watching his realization that we HAD to finish another room in the basement.

...The good feeling I had, like this time was going to be different.

...The fun of being pregnant at the same time as my sister.

...Grandma spending two weeks with us,

helping me organize the basement so we could finish another room.

...Seeing the ultrasound screen and knowing

immediately that something was wrong.

...The frustration in waiting two weeks to find out if you were still growing.

...The anxiety and paranoia of not knowing.

...The friends who prayed, and listened, and cared.

...Wondering why I felt so strongly you were meant to be,
and why you were taken so soon.

...2008 as the year that my friends got me through.

...The peace that only comes from knowing that
Heavenly Father has a plan, and that He knows what's best.

...those ten short weeks
last fall.

My bench!

This is the bench that Todd made me for Christmas. I love it! I'm going to make new liners for the baskets below, whenever I find the perfect fabric. One will hold gloves, and the other will hold library/bookmobile books. Those are two things that have never had a "place" at our house, and I am SO excited to have a home for them.

I'm hoping that my mom will "help" me make a cushion for it... :o) The piping and the zipper are just too much for my meager sewing skills...and I have no idea where I'd find the foam around here.

Christmas morning 2008

Well, we failed the grandma's this year. We took very few pictures, and those that we took are not great.

We had a fun day. The kids slept in until 8:00 (yeah!) and we took our time opening presents...stopping to play with things in between so it took until nearly 10:00 before we finished un-wrapping.

Santa brought each boy a new Webkinz pet, and they have been a huge hit. Brayden got the bat he's wanted, Caleb got a clownfish, and Dillon got a "neigh" (horse). Between the grandma's they got the last three planet heroes they needed (to finish their collection) and the Solar Quarters, where the Planet Heroes all convene to save the universe. Trust me, if the super megatronic cloud ever reaches critical mass and the universe hangs in un-balance...our kids WILL save us all. (probably while singing the theme song...)

The kids also got their first Nintendo game ('til now we just had a couple games for Todd) so they've had fun learning to play their Lego Star Wars game, although so far they still prefer the computer. They also got several new books, games, movies, and some new clothes.

Todd and I got very practical but WONDERFUL gifts. My parents gave us a TON of food storage (wheat, rice, cases of soup and tomatoes, #10 cans of fruit, and eggs, a 5 gallon bucket of powdered milk, and more) and Todd's mom gave us a grain mill (now we can actually USE our wheat) and a steam mop that is oh, so cool. It just makes you feel better to STEAM the floor around the toilet when you have three little boys. And I gave Todd a giant garbage can on wheels that is full of our 72 hour kits (almost completed) and a pump for our 50 gallon water drum.

I took two naps on Christmas; Todd worked on the bench he made for me (I'll show a picture after I get it painted--i LOVE it!) and in the late afternoon, we finally got dressed and went over to Vanessa's house to have Christmas dinner with her family and some other friends. (V's husband is still in Afghanistan--we're counting the days 'til he comes home).

It's been a wonderful, relaxing few days and I'm bummed that Todd has to go to work tomorrow. He's got a pretty screwy schedule for the next four weeks (working late four nights a week) and then hopefully things will settle down at work. (I keep saying that...but it never happens...) The kids have this week off, and I'm going to let them play the computer all they want, while I sew pillows to go with my new bed quilt.

Christmas 2008

As much as I LOVE to get Christmas cards in the mail, I just didn't get them out this year. I was really trying to simplify and cut the stress, and I did pretty good until last week when things started to get a bit hairy. So, Christmas cards got CUT from the to-do list, and believe it or not, I think life is going to go on.

We are looking forward to a relaxing Christmas at home. Todd has a few days off, and we're going to eat ourselves silly, watch movies, play games, wear our pajamas all day, and eat some more.

A big thanks to all of our friends and family who have supported us with love and friendship this year. We love hearing from you, reading your blogs, talking on the phone, and especially getting together with you.

We wish you all a Merry Christmas and a safe and happy new year.

Love,

Todd, Felicia, Brayden, Caleb, and Dillon

*You can download this cute digital scrapbook paper, and several others, for FREE from my sister's Scrappity website.

(sorry for the B&W picture, mom. I know you'd rather see the boys' red hair)

Ward Christmas Party

Tomorrow night is our ward Christmas party, and unlike other years, certain kids were selected to play parts in the live manger scene. Caleb was chosen to be a cow.

He's a little bit embarrassed by his costume, and I can't say that I blame him. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a crocheted brown cow vest, with hot pink felt udders. In past years, his entire class would've been wearing the same thing, so he wouldn't have to be alone in his misery...I mean costume.

Thankfully, he's a good kid, and I know he'll wear it, and be a wonderful cow tomorrow night.

I know what's wrong with me...

You'd think at this point I'd have a clue. So in honor of myself, I wrote a parody. Enjoy.

Sung (sarcastically) to "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year"

"The Most Wonderful Time of the Month"

It's the most wonderful time...of the month.

When the kids won't stop yelling

And everyone's telling you be of good cheer

It's the most wonderful time...of the month.

It's the crap-crappiest season of all

With no peace for my hubby, I'm bloated and chubby

My "friend" comes to call

It's the crap-crappiest season of all.

There'll be husbands for roasting

Blog fodder for posting

And carry a purse where you go

There'll be Advil and Kotex

Chocolate and no sex

And if I start crying you'll know...

It's that most wonderful time...of the month.

There'll be much tantrum throwing

And friends will be knowing

That "Aunt Flo" is near

It's the most wonderful time...

It's the most wonderful time...

It's that most wonderful time...of the month.

Six more "buttons" to go...

Click the play button on the side for some "mood music" to go with this post.

There are six buttons left on our advent quilt, and I'm not so sure I'm ready. Do you think my kids will notice if I take a few ornaments off?

Is anyone else up to their eyeballs in wrapping paper, sugar (from all those neighbor gifts), and postage stamps?

I've got one more quilt to do (and ship), and another package that will go out on Monday. Just in time to wrap all the presents while my kids are in school, and then *hopefully* have a couple days to spend frosting cookies and watching movies with my boys.

Tonight is the annual Christmas Operetta, put on by the elementary school kids. I wonder what MAN thought it would be a good idea to schedule it a week before Christmas...

I need a silent night.

Letter of recommendation

I was going through some old files, when I came across this (fake) letter of recommendation that Todd's boss wrote for him when he was applying to the MFT program at Utah State. I thought you might enjoy it. I'm so grateful for a husband who has a sense of humor :o)

Todd has been affiliated with our agency since May 2000, first as a practicum student and then as an employee. He has worked in a variety of roles: as a co-facilitator of a children's group, as a receptionist, and as a co-presenter of a parenting group.

I have been impressed with Todd's professional progress, since he had so far to go to meet minimum standards as a human being. He has consistently been able to set his goals low and meet most of them. His colleagues agree that Todd excels at mediocrity, except for those times when he lapses.

The ****** Institute has a rigidly enforced substance abuse policy and, in spite of occasional relapses, Todd continues to attend his meetings. To my knowledge, he has never been caught selling drugs or alcohol to minors, though there is some suspicion that he supplements his income by dealing with adults.

Now to address some of Todd's personal liabilities. While clients do not state that they dislike Todd, he has had to change numerous slashed tires on his car following groups he has led. He has shown a remarkable ability in such circumstances to contain his crying and tantrum behavior to the sidewalk.

Todd has proven to be well-accepted in staff social circles, especially for the variety of revealing costumes he wears to such gatherings. The only time this caused any serious problem was when he inadvertently came to a staff meeting when, in fact, the meeting was with a grieving family that had recently lost several loved ones in a tragic car accident. The rumors that Todd had anything to do with that accident have proven false so far.

I'm sure that if you accepted Todd into your program you would have an interesting time trying to understand him. However, if you actually managed to do so, I think you'd find a warm, compassionate, caring person beneath that veneer to hostility and anger. At least I hope you would; we have had no such luck in that area.

To let you know how far Todd has come :o), last night he came home with a certificate signed by the corporate president of his company, and a letter commending him for his excellent customer service, along with a check for $100 for being such a great employee. I'm sure proud of him because he has worked his butt off for the past three months, taking care of all the emotional needs of 15 unstable teenage girls and their parents. Last week, they finally hired another therapist, so his team size is now down to a more manageable 10.

*oops, I spoke too soon. When I told Todd about this post, he told me he's already gotten two new girls this week, so his team size is up to 12. Sigh.

Your...STYLE???

Last night Todd had to work late (I think he got home just before 1:00 AM), so I put the kids to bed and decided to do something crafty. I've had this centerpiece in mind for awhile. It's still not finished...I think it needs a battery operated candle, some dried lemons/oranges, a rusty jingle bell, maybe some berries or pinecones, a mini wooden spoon and rolling pin, etc.

Anyway, I was pretty happy with my progress until Todd saw it this morning. Our conversation went something like this:

Todd: Where did this come from?

Me: (overflowing with exuberance 'cause I love how the gingerbread's turned out when I sprayed them with glitter) It has only cost $3 so far!!! Can you believe it? I got the wooden box at a yard sale for $1, I bought a wreath at the dollar store and made the pine bough's out of it, and I bought the candy canes for $1 and wrapped them with fabric from my stash. Then I made the gingerbread men.

Todd: Choking. You MADE the gingerbread men?

Me: (thinking he was proud) Don't you love the glitter?

Todd: (speaking at the same time as me) I thought it came from DI that way...it looks like an enrichment night gone bad.

Silence.

Me: (wondering what Todd's head would look like if it were sprayed down with glitter) You don't like them?

Todd: (smiling) Shwee...I don't think making gingerbreads is a good hobby for you. (my nickname is shwee, by the way) I'm still traumatized from the last time you tried to make them...remember those giant chicken nuggets with arms?

I guess they're just not my style.

Me: (wide eyes) Your...STYLE? (laughing) Your style is MY style!!! Look around this room? Have you even tried to decorate anything? Oh wait, the fire alarm next to the welcome sign...yeah, I guess that's your contribution...and I'm sorry, but it has to go.

(at this point Todd put his tail between his legs, bowed his head, and retreated to the bedroom...with a smile, because honestly...he's happy when I'm happy)

Thanks dear, for keeping your opinions to yourself most of the time. However, upon gaining some confidence (and reassurance) from Vanessa, the gingerbreads are staying.

Now what else can I spray with glitter...

Tree "B"

This is tree "B". We bought it for $20 a couple months after we were married. At that time, all the Wal-Mart tree's had a letter on the box, indicating how nice of a tree it was. Tree "A" was the worst, and Tree "F" was ever-so-grand. We settled for tree "B" thinking we could upgrade the next year.

Every year, I think it will be the last for tree "B" and every year, there's no extra money for a new one, so we put her up again. And you know what? I've decided I really like tree "B". She's quite bare and "charlie brownish" at first, but after adding the ornaments, I'm always happy.

I've made or bought a new set of ornaments every year for the past 10 years. Some have already been retired due to supreme tackiness, and some are STILL on the tree. For our first Christmas I found some pieces of styrofoam that were *almost* square, and wrapped them with wrapping paper and tied raffia around them. I think they'll always be on our tree.

Everyone around our little town has a real tree. EVERYONE. I've tried to understand why people love having a real tree, but I will always love my fake one. I love the perfectness of the branches. I love that it doesn't shed, and I love that it doesn't smell. I love that instead of buying a new tree each year, I can buy a few new ornaments.

Some day, I'd like to have a pre-lit tree (since I hate putting the lights on) but I don't think I'll be able to give up this tree. We'll just have to have two. There are too many memories. Each of my kids (at different times) has pulled this tree down after it's been fully decorated. Some years it is so mangled and hideous by Christmas that it becomes a source of great humor. One year I actually had to tie a string around it, and thumb-tack it to the wall to get it to stay standing. And who can forget the year that I bought the "twigs" with the curly ends? Some of you already know what Todd thought of those, but I'd better not post it for the public.

We needed blueprints to decorate our tree growing up. My dad taught us all the "rules". The lights, beads, and ribbon need to be carefully woven in and out of each branch (not wrapped around in a tornado). The sparkly lights go up the middle, but you need to have plenty of lights that stay on at all times. Always decorate from the inside out, so your ornaments are "layered" and not just on the outside branches. And spacing is especially important, especially with different sizes and colors of ornaments. We tease him about how perfect it has to be, but I am grateful for all that my Dad taught me about the "principles and elements of design" by watching him decorate our beautiful tree every year. Mine will never look as good as his, but he probably has tree "S" and I'm sure it didn't come from Wal-Mart...

I've always had a hard time letting my kids "help" thanks to my dad's "rules"...I guess we need blueprints at our house, too. I've longed for the day when the kids would leave the ornaments on my tree alone, so it could look nice for an entire season. Luckily, our boys have their OWN little two foot dollar store tree that they are allowed to do whatever they want with, and they do. I'll have to post a picture...it's priceless.

Tree "B" has been up for a week now, and it hasn't been touched. Everything is in place just where I put it. The kids have given up their curiosity for the individual ornaments, and they just enjoy watching it sparkle at night.

And I'm not so sure how I feel about it.

Would anyone like to come mess up my tree?